The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
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“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Camping tip: No.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.