The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
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I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.