Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.