The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
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So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up