Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Never ghost your hitman.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Support your local cemetery

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.