Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

who’s gonna tell her?

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.