The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
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mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.