The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”