Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.