the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
can’t catch a break
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.