Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

need a new bf mines broken 😐

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.