the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
it is time once again
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
The Friday File.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks