Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Tell the people what she wore…

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway