the Monday after daylight savings
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At ease
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Do one person every day that scares you.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Wise advice
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.