Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.