The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
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me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Doggies just call it style.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.