The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
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When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
me in a relationship:
A small tragedy.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…