Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits