Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

i love meeting boys on tinder

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.