Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.