Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Very good! 👍😂

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.