Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.