The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
“TGIM!” – My liver
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I was just discussing this with my cat
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
It be like that sometimes 😆
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
