Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.