The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
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Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
