The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
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Perfect.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings