The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
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Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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❤️❤️❤️
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Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
i really liked this one
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