The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.