“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. š”
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[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe youāre using too much teeth
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste companyās marketing department came up with
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, itād be a novel. Settle down.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of somethingā¦flowery? Yes, Iād like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? Noā¦.just something floralā¦.like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. š„“
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
*pulling up to the mcdonaldās drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Got escorted out of a Chiliās happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Iād like to formally apologize to everyone Iāve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
Iām no legal expert, but Iām pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead