“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
He just like my cat fr
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM