The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.