The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
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me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
welp
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
sensitive skin
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing