Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Sounds like a bargain

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night