The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
You Might Also Like
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall