Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…