Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

who’s gonna tell her?

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

This billboard speaks to me

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

This headline is a thing of beauty