the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
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Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.