Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot