Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.