The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
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Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Still a very good boi….
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One