The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I have never related to a cat more
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
⛄️
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”