The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
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Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
About to throw up
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
this has done me in for some reason
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Always
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.