what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Whoa 😂
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin