@TheLastVirgo

The moral of Little Red Riding Hood is:
1) Never trust strangers;
2) Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human.

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@Ameiam

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

@Ristolable

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

@AudreyPorne

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

@Chhapiness

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

@OrigamiDad

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

@WetMascara

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

@bornmiserable

Me: This is a nice, quiet neighborhood.
Real estate agent: This is a cemetery.
Me: I’ll take it.