The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Worth a try
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
