Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

When you’ve simply given up.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.