Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Unexpected Judgment

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.