Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

I’m listening

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Just say no

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.