the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
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When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns