Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

Every work call, he judges.

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

mom gave me mine for free

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies