The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
You learn something every day
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.