The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
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The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.