The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
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When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…