I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
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To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone