The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”