The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
That’s easy for you to say
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Flowers bee like
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.