The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
You Might Also Like
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
(grounding my kid) go outside.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.