The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.