The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,