The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
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HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
me, after any kind of buffet.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.