The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
If you know, you know
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My whole life was a lie.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
