The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
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Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
she has a point
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants