Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

perfect

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

Just me and my debit card against the world

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me