The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.