The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.