Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.