Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.