The morning after pill, but for tweets
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
next level snooze
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany