Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.