The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
You Might Also Like
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped