Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle