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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies