The most accurate map ever devised.
You Might Also Like
Received some very disappointing news today
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!