The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Mouse
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
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I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please