The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”