The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Knock Knock
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Glasses
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks